Monday, May 17, 2010

Day 10: Wondering ....Why am I doing this?


I can still remember sitting on a balcony overlooking the Catskill mountains relaxing with a glass of champagne smiling as my picture was being taken. It was my 40th birthday and my celebration was a weekend getaway at the Mohonk Mountain House a luxury resort nestled in the Catskills. A dream weekend beauty all around me one of the best rooms with an exquisite view a day spa and outdoor Jacuzzi tub amazing food fireplace in the room it was perfection. And yet all I can recall when I look at the pictures of my vacation was how unhappy I was with my body.

On my 40th birthday I hit the scales at 185lbs. huge for my 5’6” frame and the biggest I can ever remember being in my whole life. One year prior I reached 215lbs on the day I delivered my son John. I was still carrying my post baby weight that everyone assured me would go away if I breast fed! I did breast feed for 10 months and it had very little impact on reducing my body weight.   Now I was totally consumed by my body size just thinking about it depressed me and perpetuated a vicious cycle of eating, drinking, sleeping and being more depressed.

Like every good post pregnant woman does I dutifully joined the gym and began the hard core boot camp process working my ass off literally. I committed to 90 minutes a day 4 -5 days a week, of course expecting results within 30 days because I didn’t really want to work out that hard. I just wanted the immediate result. I jumped from class to class trying pilates, yoga, spin, aerobics and running seeing which one would have the fastest results and combining them. It felt like a part time job with no pay.

Eventually, I did see results... about 20 pounds and wow that was amazing I felt so accomplished for about a minute. It was still short from my real goal, being a hot sexy mama trim tight and bikini ready. That goal seemed like a fairy tale, I would dream of a day where I would feel comfortable in a bathing suit. At the beach I sentenced myself to a prison of cover ups, shorts and t- shirts. The day  that I would strut across the beach or pool free and relaxed in my beautiful body seemed as far off as winning a million dollars in a lottery. Totally unattainable and definitely out of my control.

Committed to something and not sure of the solution I searched for what was next.….Weight Watchers! I became a devoted weekly weigh in girl. I carefully counted everything fruit, veggies, meat, bread, cheese, wine, and I definitely learned about how to abstain when I always felt hungry and deprived. Don’t get me wrong I loved my experience and came down another 20 pounds attending weekly weight watchers meetings sharing my story and went to a svelt and sexy 145lbs. Woohoo! However, within 4 months I was back up to 180lbs What?!

The feelings of failure combined with depression were unbearable. All I can remember is thinking what had happened? I have always been size 6-8 my entire life, why could I not take the weight off? Everything had come so easy to me with my body I could eat what I wanted and I never really measured portions or eliminated anything, I could eat what I wanted when I wanted with a little working out stay relatively thin.

One possible problem was the process if In vitro fertilization. In vitro-fertilization rocks the female body, it is a  series of painful hormone ridden shots that wreak havoc emotionally and physically.  I had gone through two rounds one produced John and the other didn't take. The chemicals and toxins could play a role in my slow metabolism. Another cause was my age, maybe my body was changing and with that I was no longer able to metabolize foods like I did when I was 20. Or it was my thyroid so I got it tested, wasn’t it.
I continued to look and look and look at the underlying issue. While I daily experienced an eroding of my sense of self. My days looked hopeless, helpless, depressed, irratible and I was constipated, and fat. My thighs rubbed together when I was naked and my skin on my face was so dry and red and puffy I felt like I had been hijacked by an alien, looking in the mirror for longer than 5 seconds brought me to tears or to full rage. The future was bleak and anything I tried made little movement to my goal. At one of my most desperate points I called a friend and she told me about a doctor who owned a weight loss center and he would prescribe prescription medication to help me lose weight. So I never thought I would do it but I did I started taking weight loss pills. They were very effective and helped me lose weight until I stopped taking them. The drugs heightened my anxiety, irritability, and depression and that was not how I wanted to feel.

I found myself completely empty lost and nothing that I tried worked. Through the tears, and sadness I had a ray of light and that was something I have always had in my back pocket and no matter how hard things have gotten I always knew I had a strength inside of me that is undeniable. Since I was a young girl I could have a vision of something I desired and be able to manifest it. The one thing I had was my faith in myself!  there was nothing that I ever wanted that I could not accomplish without perseverence and determination. I called forth that vision and inspiration from deep inside of me  and made it louder than any of my complaints and stories about me. Now …I thought I will know take this on for real! And I began to consult doctors and professionals to look outside of quick fixes, work out programs, and diet pills.  The challenge was to let go of my old habits that no longer worked for me. I decided to create a new mindset of how I could begin to love myself just the way I am. I also looked at my body holistically and began to see what my body was saying to me, I literally started listening and feeling my body. A combination of NLP therapy, Chiropractic care, Hair analysis, and the internet researching a solution gave me my first spark of hope.

My discovery was that food was what making me fat and sick and sad. The results came from a hair analysis test I took when a doctor suggested that it would give me insight to my “insides” and to literally peek into my internal system. He suggested that by understanding what minerals, vitamins, and nutrients were out of balance I would know where I needed to put my attention.

My symptoms at the time were irritability, hostility, constipation, bloating, muscle spasms, cramping, lower back pain, dry skin, itching, dull lack luster skin, and obesity.
Not a pleasant list and at the same time nothing overwhelmingly dire and life threatening, and I sensed it was leading to more severe trouble if I let it progress.

The results of the test pointed to high levels of aluminum and mercury, excessive calcium and low potassium. Stunning results and strange from what I expected. It indicated that I had a low functioning thyroid and slow metabolism which I knew something was effecting my metabolism, the reason why was even more interesting. It seemed that there were foods that were the culprit of these symptoms.  Wheat and dairy were foods I should avoid eliminate them from my diet. Now I thought that wheat didn’t really work in my body but I would get around it by eating sprouted grains and spelt bread and even that was not consistent and eventually I would pick at something that I was craving. Many people have asked if I am allergic to wheat, and I think not I am allergic to shellfish and I know the feelings of an allergy and clearly wheat was more of an irritant than an allergen. The bigger surprise was dairy a total surprise. Now I had not drank milk since my early twenties because it seemed wrong to drink what baby cows drink and the hormones always concerned me so I just gave it up. Cheese however was totally a love of mine sheep’s milk, goats milk, cows milk cheeses Roquefort, swiss, havarti, st andre I could go through all of my favorites. Or just eating fresh fruit with cheese and a glass of wine yummy not eating cheese hmmmmm that will be tough.

So I removed wheat and dairy from my diet and watched what happened. At first it was hard I was so oriented around this food that it seemed like deprivation and denying myself pleasure. Being a gourmet cook and a true food indulgist it seemed unnatural. Many times I broke my word to myself and would cheat and I could feel the results
That is when I found that food can be a medicine and a healer.

And if I listen closely my body can be a guide to what it needs and wants.  Not only did I see drastic changes in my weight but I also saw huge changes in my mood. Irritability disappeared and a lightness returned. Hopelessness and frustration just went away like I had gone from a cloudy day to a bright sunshiny day in a moment.

These results were undeniable that I had discovered something completely new and a whole new opportunity for my future.....








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