Day 10: Wondering ....Why am I doing this?

I can still remember sitting on a balcony overlooking the Catskill mountains relaxing with a glass of champagne smiling as my picture was being taken. It was my 40^th birthday and my celebration was a weekend getaway at the Mohonk Mountain House a luxury resort nestled in the Catskills. A dream weekend beauty all around me one of the best rooms with an exquisite view a day spa and outdoor Jacuzzi tub amazing food fireplace in the room it was perfection. And yet all I can recall when I look at the pictures of my vacation was how unhappy I was with my body.

On my 40^th birthday I hit the scales at 185lbs. huge for my 5’6” frame and the biggest I can ever remember being in my whole life. One year prior I reached 215lbs on the day I delivered my son John. I was still carrying my post baby weight that everyone assured me would go away if I breast fed! I did breast feed for 10 months and it had very little impact on reducing my body weight.   Now I was totally consumed by my body size just thinking about it depressed me and perpetuated a vicious cycle of eating, drinking, sleeping and being more depressed.

Like every good post pregnant woman does I dutifully joined the gym and began the hard core boot camp process working my ass off literally. I committed to 90 minutes a day 4 -5 days a week, of course expecting results within 30 days because I didn’t really want to work out that hard. I just wanted the immediate result. I jumped from class to class trying pilates, yoga, spin, aerobics and running seeing which one would have the fastest results and combining them. It felt like a part time job with no pay.

Eventually, I did see results... about 20 pounds and wow that was amazing I felt so accomplished for about a minute. It was still short from my real goal, being a hot sexy mama trim tight and bikini ready. That goal seemed like a fairy tale, I would dream of a day where I would feel comfortable in a bathing suit. At the beach I sentenced myself to a prison of cover ups, shorts and t- shirts. The day  that I would strut across the beach or pool free and relaxed in my beautiful body seemed as far off as winning a million dollars in a lottery. Totally unattainable and definitely out of my control.

Committed to something and not sure of the solution I searched for what was next.….Weight Watchers! I became a devoted weekly weigh in girl. I carefully counted everything fruit, veggies, meat, bread, cheese, wine, and I definitely learned about how to abstain when I always felt hungry and deprived. Don’t get me wrong I loved my experience and came down another 20 pounds attending weekly weight watchers meetings sharing my story and went to a svelt and sexy 145lbs. Woohoo! However, within 4 months I was back up to 180lbs What?!

The feelings of failure combined with depression were unbearable. All I can remember is thinking what had happened? I have always been size 6-8 my entire life, why could I not take the weight off? Everything had come so easy to me with my body I could eat what I wanted and I never really measured portions or eliminated anything, I could eat what I wanted when I wanted with a little working out stay relatively thin.

One possible problem was the process if In vitro fertilization. In vitro-fertilization rocks the female body, it is a  series of painful hormone ridden shots that wreak havoc emotionally and physically.  I had gone through two rounds one produced John and the other didn't take. The chemicals and toxins could play a role in my slow metabolism. Another cause was my age, maybe my body was changing and with that I was no longer able to metabolize foods like I did when I was 20. Or it was my thyroid so I got it tested, wasn’t it.

I continued to look and look and look at the underlying issue. While I daily experienced an eroding of my sense of self. My days looked hopeless, helpless, depressed, irratible and I was constipated, and fat. My thighs rubbed together when I was naked and my skin on my face was so dry and red and puffy I felt like I had been hijacked by an alien, looking in the mirror for longer than 5 seconds brought me to tears or to full rage. The future was bleak and anything I tried made little movement to my goal. At one of my most desperate points I called a friend and she told me about a doctor who owned a weight loss center and he would prescribe prescription medication to help me lose weight. So I never thought I would do it but I did I started taking weight loss pills. They were very effective and helped me lose weight until I stopped taking them. The drugs heightened my anxiety, irritability, and depression and that was not how I wanted to feel.

I found myself completely empty lost and nothing that I tried worked. Through the tears, and sadness I had a ray of light and that was something I have always had in my back pocket and no matter how hard things have gotten I always knew I had a strength inside of me that is undeniable. Since I was a young girl I could have a vision of something I desired and be able to manifest it. The one thing I had was my faith in myself!  there was nothing that I ever wanted that I could not accomplish without perseverence and determination. I called forth that vision and inspiration from deep inside of me  and made it louder than any of my complaints and stories about me. Now …I thought I will know take this on for real! And I began to consult doctors and professionals to look outside of quick fixes, work out programs, and diet pills.  The challenge was to let go of my old habits that no longer worked for me. I decided to create a new mindset of how I could begin to love myself just the way I am. I also looked at my body holistically and began to see what my body was saying to me, I literally started listening and feeling my body. A combination of NLP therapy, Chiropractic care, Hair analysis, and the internet researching a solution gave me my first spark of hope.

My discovery was that food was what making me fat and sick and sad. The results came from a hair analysis test I took when a doctor suggested that it would give me insight to my “insides” and to literally peek into my internal system. He suggested that by understanding what minerals, vitamins, and nutrients were out of balance I would know where I needed to put my attention.

My symptoms at the time were irritability, hostility, constipation, bloating, muscle spasms, cramping, lower back pain, dry skin, itching, dull lack luster skin, and obesity.

Not a pleasant list and at the same time nothing overwhelmingly dire and life threatening, and I sensed it was leading to more severe trouble if I let it progress.

The results of the test pointed to high levels of aluminum and mercury, excessive calcium and low potassium. Stunning results and strange from what I expected. It indicated that I had a low functioning thyroid and slow metabolism which I knew something was effecting my metabolism, the reason why was even more interesting. It seemed that there were foods that were the culprit of these symptoms.  Wheat and dairy were foods I should avoid eliminate them from my diet. Now I thought that wheat didn’t really work in my body but I would get around it by eating sprouted grains and spelt bread and even that was not consistent and eventually I would pick at something that I was craving. Many people have asked if I am allergic to wheat, and I think not I am allergic to shellfish and I know the feelings of an allergy and clearly wheat was more of an irritant than an allergen. The bigger surprise was dairy a total surprise. Now I had not drank milk since my early twenties because it seemed wrong to drink what baby cows drink and the hormones always concerned me so I just gave it up. Cheese however was totally a love of mine sheep’s milk, goats milk, cows milk cheeses Roquefort, swiss, havarti, st andre I could go through all of my favorites. Or just eating fresh fruit with cheese and a glass of wine yummy not eating cheese hmmmmm that will be tough.

So I removed wheat and dairy from my diet and watched what happened. At first it was hard I was so oriented around this food that it seemed like deprivation and denying myself pleasure. Being a gourmet cook and a true food indulgist it seemed unnatural. Many times I broke my word to myself and would cheat and I could feel the results

That is when I found that food can be a medicine and a healer.

And if I listen closely my body can be a guide to what it needs and wants.  Not only did I see drastic changes in my weight but I also saw huge changes in my mood. Irritability disappeared and a lightness returned. Hopelessness and frustration just went away like I had gone from a cloudy day to a bright sunshiny day in a moment.

These results were undeniable that I had discovered something completely new and a whole new opportunity for my future.....

Juicy and Raw: Back on the wagon Again

After much yo yo juicing…I finally created a big enough game to motivate me to go for a long term juice cleanse.  60 days of juicing combined with superfoods and super creative nutrient rich recipes I intend to successfully complete my cleanse July 7^th my son John’s 5^th birthday.

Back in January I declared that I would have my best body ever by May. I tried three times to stick with it and each time my bad habits would take over. I would watch myself get swept up by my internal voice luring me to the “dark side” and then I would feel totally consumed by my desires and cravings. Even working out would be erratic. I would work out commitedly for two weeks then two weeks off. I just could not seem to get my “groove” in what I said I wanted.

Eventually I came to realize I just wasn’t ready! And it was okay. Timing is everything. Mental or Emotional timing is everything in order to embark on a big goal you must want to do it mentally and emotionally.  I realized I did not have a reason that I felt in my heart was worth the effort. I also saw that I did not believe in my goal because I could not see the end result. What was all the effort going to produce, what would the journey reveal, how would I grow and develop with the “pain” I would endure. I say pain because it feels painful when there is “change”. Habits, routine, consistency, predictability are comforting and hard to let go of and when we introduce new routines, and habits that disrupts and can cause anguish and irritation.

So I knew I was wanting more in my life, my body, my soul….I could hear my body talking to me and yearning to emerge like a butterfly from a cocoon. And then I realized I was ready.

Day 7, 8, 9

I have conveniently avoided writing in detail my daily experiences of juicing….I can say that I have handled the to do list of juicing. Having been my 10^th time on a 3-7 day cleanse I definitely have my “groove” on. The longer term cleanses well past 10 days I have only ventured into once. I can see during these 9 days that I have not been 100% juice so I cannot say I have not eaten. During the start I have been going through some emotional experiences. First 1 year since I moved out from my ex husband, second mothers day just came along and it was incredibly lonely day I would say it actually blindsided me as a sad day. Third, we were negotiating a deal to open a retail restaurant and it created quite a bit of stress, stirred some feelings and emotions and brought clarity to exactly the value of my talent.

The emotions and thoughts, anxiety and nerves were so strong and I did not want to eat chips, nuts, or regular food so I justified me eating oranges, grapefruits, and watermelon. I would juice until about 7pm then I would see that luscious orange sitting there peel it and eat it. Now I would say to myself that these fruits are mostly water so it was ok, and the little bit of fiber does not truly impact the cleansing process. And that is how I justified itJ now as a wise friend of mine pointed out…I am not really being in integrity with the process! And with a heavy sigh I must agree and recommit to just juice. See there is a mental difference between just juice and juice with a little fruit. I have seen the difference. Dramatically different actually.

So on day 9 I recommit to just juice!

Here is what has been working:

I get our catalyst juices 3 days worth then I pick up the following from the store

Chard, arugula, kale regular or purple, scallions, garlic, cilantro, parsley, romaine. Not all at the same time but any combination of 3 or 4 of those. I blend them in the Vita Mix and strain them through a mesh baggie and then mix our number one green juice and number two lemon cayenne to make a super juice. I feel so strongly about the power of green leafy vegetables and how beneficial they are to the body. They are so good for healing and nourishing the system.

The second two items I love are MSM and cascara sagrada for the first week oh boy they are magical. MSM is a naturally occurring sulfur found in the body and literally pulls nutrients into the cell and takes out toxicity from the cell. Makes the cell walls stronger and improves, hair, skin,  and nails. Cascara Sagrada is a root found in south America it is dried and ground I take it in pill form. It stimulates the intestines into catastalsis and moves along matter during detoxification.

I have acquired an eye infection in my left eye. The dr says it may be a form of conjunctivitis i picked up some drops and I am nursing it back to health. I wonder how much is related to the cleanse? Or if it is a symptom of the stress of the past two weeks? I am thinking maybe both.

So I journey into my 9^th day feeling quite accomplished thus far. The 9 days have been virtually breezy and easy. Not typically what the first week looks like however I think someof mytactics have created a soft landing….Now to explore the next 10 days haha.

So I make the declaration to myself and "throw my hat over the wall" and now....getting into action.

First on my agenda my diet well this is where I eat things that help me get out if some poor eating cycles and get on track for training and shedding some pounds....I call it detoxing and yet that word can be such a turn off to people I find that is actually what happens. So even at the risk of turning of people I use it because it works for me:)

Detoxing looks like the body releasing toxicity in the body that have accumulated from food, alcohol, caffeine, and sweets or even over the counter/prescription medication. My biggest nemesis are Wheat & Dairy all of which I have eliminated from my diet.... and sometimes when I am having fun laughing and playing I forget the after effects and sample anyway. I am also mildly allergic to shellfish I get rashes, hives, and congestion. These foods although I do not need to be rushed to the hospital have a negative impact on my body. The symptoms range from having a cold, itching, rashes, gaining weight, constipation, bloating, and dry skin.

Why I know that these foods have such a profound impact on my body is because I have eliminated them from my diet and added them in one at a time and watched what happened. For those of you who think they have a food allergy I would try this process to determine the culprit once you have identified the source you then have power to choose whether or not to continue to eat it.

Diet Detoxing I am going to start the week off juicing and eating raw on my menu this week

Grapfruit Juice: plain squeezed 8-16 ounces per drink 2 or 3 drinks per day

Green Drink: mixture of green vegetables, lemon, lime, apple, and ginger this is an alkalanizing drink that aids in balancing your internal Ph

Cucumbers: plain, clised, in a salad, juiced, chopped you name it I eat 1-2 a day

Sprouted Hummus: garbanzo sprouted and blended with celery, carrot, onion and lemon

Water cress: I am trying this week after watching a v blog about the power it has to remove mucus and fat from the body when drank plain or added to juice

I have removed all animal products, no alcohol, caffeine, wheat, meat, or dairy. By eliminating things it gives my system a rest and the enzyme rich foods do all the work so my body gets to rest and release. Ahhhhh

Now don't misunderstand something there is a time where this process can be bumpy and challenging, craving foods is totally common and this is where mind over matter is so important. Knowing the difference between real hunger, boredom, and cravings is the key.

I will Juice and eat raw for the next week and we will see what happens....

Next is the body beginning my running program and a 4 week boot camp starting today ugh

This is the area I need the most support working out is really annoying for me there are so many other things I want to be doing with my time....like having fun or working with customers, or even relaxing you name it anything is more enjoyable. And I know the power if working out mentally the endorphine, circulation, and Breathing! filling my lungs up with air hmmm that feels invigorating and alive. So I have incorporated some fool proof ways to work out:

- work out with a friend

- set a goal like running The Broad Street Run

- Personal Training with a set time

- buy cute workout clothes that make you feel sexy

This is my progress I am going to the gym, and juicing and eating raw today feeling a little sluggish and unmotivated mostly "I don't want to" is the loudest voice inside my head. And thank goodnedd for the blog and the goals or I would be doing some other version of getting My Best Body Ever!

Well I am finally ready....I have been "talking" about the idea of blogging about my journey to the "best body" ever! well as you can imagine once I thought it was a good idea and told many people I was doing it, the following moment I regretted ever having suggested it. HaHa.

So here are my statistics: 43 year single mom of a 4 year old (John Richmond) I love being a mom and would win a gold medal if it were an olympic sport. Recently divorced, Business owner / entrepreneur, Seeker of Fun and Play, Amazing Friend, So much amazing opportunity at my fingertips, great community of people, accomplished in my field. So????

My biggest complaint....my body. And it follows me like the devil on my shoulder every moment of every day I really mean it. It actually talks to me. For many years it spoke to me and I didn't know it was there, Now I actually can hear it like there is another person speaking with me. I get out of the shower and begin this unconscious self assessment from my face to my boobs, then to my ass, thighs, stomach and on and on.

There is no other area I am so tough on myself. NONE. I would never treat another human being like this and I am so vicious to myself minute by minute about my body.

There have been many things I have done to improve my physical self. Personal Trainer, Pilates, Running, Motivational Cd's, Weight Watchers, High Protein/Low Carb diet, No wheat, no dairy, Hair analysis, chiropractic, massage, and on and on if I thought I could get back to perfection I tried it. And nothing was ever it, because it never felt natural.

The one thing I saw was that I would try one thing at a time. If I was weight training I would eat a reasonable diet, if I was eating raw I wouldn't work out, if was running and doing pilates I felt I could eat a high protein meat diet to supplement calories. Each time I worked so hard and yet felt like I made no progress.

Here is the difference. I am going to take on the things I have learned that work the best for me individually and combine them having it all come together at the same time and share my experience.

What I know works:

Juicing and Drinking raw vegetable juices

Raw Food Diet eating natural enzyme rich food

Running best cardio body strengthening conditioning

Strength Training resistance training using my natural body weight to build strength

Chiropractic Care

Massage/ Body work

Hydro colon therapy with Jeanette Ponder

NLP with Jenifer Shapiro

Yoga Jennifer Schelter

transformational seminars with Landmark Education & More University

and other things

I am taking on a 4 month experiment incorporating everything at the same time:) I am interested in having a "lifestyle" of experiences that contribute to my growth. How do you do it all, how do you pay for it all, do I have time for this??? I really wonder how I have time for this, money for this, the energy, and the desire?

The one thing that I committed to more than ever is having the "Best Body Ever"

tomorrow will post what's next hmmm definitely flying by the seat of my pants on this one. Love some feedback let me know what you think. Love you!